Wednesday, October 13, 2010

Incoherent Ramblings of a Crazy Person

Do you ever find yourself just 'floating' along and realize that maybe you're not ok with it? So what happens when the floating finally bugs you enough that you start to question life and how you got to where you are? There are so many things in my life that I would like to change but I feel overwhelmed at the task. And so I sit down. Ahh, that's better.

But really, is it just because I'm a lazy person or is it deeper than that? As superficial as this next statement is, and trust me, I realize that its shallow & stupid; So don't feel like you have to agree... I am finding that lately, I'm untouchable in the compliment dept. Nothing seems to get below my skin. Why is that - when all I really want to feel is valued and special. I mean, really, isn't that what we all want out of our simple lives? To feel good in our own skin?

For a while there, I felt myself slipping into deep, dark oblivion and although currently, I might have stopped slipping, I still feel like I'm just hanging onto a ledge and am hoping my hands don't start to sweat. Is this normal? Is this what real people feel like? The factor that drives me the most mad in all of this fumbling around, is that I think that I'm magnifying everything. Why is it when one thing is off balance in life, everything else seems to be on that same tilted axis?

Who knows? Maybe I just need a V-8.

5 comments:

Nicole said...

I wish I knew more of what was going on with you. I want to be your listening ear. I miss you so much.

Jenny said...

"There are so many things in my life that I would like to change but I feel overwhelmed at the task. And so I sit down. Ahh, that's better." Word. My thoughts exactly.

"I'm untouchable in the compliment dept. Nothing seems to get below my skin." Do you mean that you don't believe people are being sincere in their compliments? Or that people don't compliment you on anything except your appearance? Or that you feel like people don't recognize your worth? I know, I know, I'm dumb--but explain it to me anyway.

"although currently, I might have stopped slipping, I still feel like I'm just hanging onto a ledge and am hoping my hands don't start to sweat. " --I just love this bit of writing. Very vivid. Wish I'd thought of that metaphor first.

elshmobelsh said...

So- first of all, I like your blog makeover. And yes, you have to accept that has a heart felt compliment.

I've come to a conclusion Amber. I'm a terrible phone talker. I don't mind when the other person does the talking, but I'm having a hard time making phone calls. SO even though I should call to tell you all this, I'm going to just ramble on your blog.

You are totally normal. At least, I'm assuming you are because what you are describing is something I've felt lots of times in my life. I'm normal, or semi-normal, or at least almost normal... right? Whenever I start feeling this way, I have to step back and look at the basics.

I know you've mentioned you're "magnifying" everything, and I'm not sure what you meant by that, but what I've found when I'm missing my balance, is that all the basics are not there. So here are the questions I ask myself:
1- am I reading my scriptures PRAYERFULLY everyday. Not just reading the words, but talking to the Lord about them?
2- am I praying and unloading my feelings on the Lord?
3- am I getting enough sleep? consistant bedtime and wake-up time? (This is often where I am failing)
4- am I getting some exercise? The depression "cure-all".
5-am I finding a way to do a little bit of service everyday? Sometimes I have to count making the bed or taking 5 minutes to sit on the floor and play with the kiddos.
6- Is there something in my life that might be driving the spirit away? Sometimes when I get into a book and start pusing away my other responsibilities, I lose myself and my balance and have to do a "regroup" time where I put the reading and the other world off limits for awhile- but might be the wierd, and "Not-normal" part of me. :)
7- Do you have time for you? Sometimes you just need a 1/2 of you time- to work out, to blog, to go for a walk, to talk to a friend, whatever... but do it for you.

So I hope this doesn't come across as a big preachy soap box. You may already be totally on top of all these things and I just waisted a lot of your visual energy in reading this, but usually if I match up all these things, I find my life come back into balance.

Love you lots. I hope this can sink in beyond the numbness- but you are a beautiful woman! You do so much for so many people and you have a way of bringing joy to others. That is a gift! And you have a GREAT laugh! So don't forget to use it!

loves!!!
elsh

elshmobelsh said...

I'll call you!

KatieC said...

I feel like that all the time! I ask my husband the psychologist, "Am I crazy??" and he says, "Clinically, no. Diagnosable, no. Ummm...does that answer your question?" Actually, it kind of does answer my question, and I am always comforted when I realize that I don't belong in the loony bin. (I have noticed I feel more crazy when I have been eating badly or when I'm near ovulation...)

The answer to all your problems lies in an exciting trip to our nations capital. Come help me pick out a new house.

Or, if that's too much to fit in your busy schedule, I'd try serving. Somehow, even when I feel like screaming at everything, when I get out and pick up a friend's kid so she can go to the doctor at the last minute, I can really feel the blessings...even though I still feel like screaming, I feel like I can think my way over the top of the crazy stuff. And if you are even aware enough to write this, you are obviously still sane.