I Stand All Amazed

I'm sitting here staring at the screen. Blogs are kinda funny to me. I originally started this as a, "Hey! This is what we're up to" and now its become more of a blind, "I'm sending this into the oblivion" deal. Most times, I forget that people actually read this. I honestly don't know why they find my ramblings interesting, but its always a shock to receive input. Not that I don't appreciate it, I am just always surprised.

I've been thinking a lot lately. Mostly about how crazy life can be and what kinds of things we're supposed to learn from our challenges. It has made me think a lot about God and what this life really is.

I am always amazed at the challenges that people go through. But even more so, I am amazed at the people going through them. A crisis/challenge/trial in itself can be devastating. Emotionally, physically, mentally, spiritually... One would expect a person to break while experiencing such madness. And maybe we do break.

What amazes me the most, is when that person that has been pushed down & shattered finds the strength to stand up and walk. That sheer act of will. Each agonizing step. It makes me a believer. It makes me hope. It makes me want to stand. It makes me want to reach out. It makes me remember that life can be beautiful.

Incoherent Ramblings of a Crazy Person

Do you ever find yourself just 'floating' along and realize that maybe you're not ok with it? So what happens when the floating finally bugs you enough that you start to question life and how you got to where you are? There are so many things in my life that I would like to change but I feel overwhelmed at the task. And so I sit down. Ahh, that's better.

But really, is it just because I'm a lazy person or is it deeper than that? As superficial as this next statement is, and trust me, I realize that its shallow & stupid; So don't feel like you have to agree... I am finding that lately, I'm untouchable in the compliment dept. Nothing seems to get below my skin. Why is that - when all I really want to feel is valued and special. I mean, really, isn't that what we all want out of our simple lives? To feel good in our own skin?

For a while there, I felt myself slipping into deep, dark oblivion and although currently, I might have stopped slipping, I still feel like I'm just hanging onto a ledge and am hoping my hands don't start to sweat. Is this normal? Is this what real people feel like? The factor that drives me the most mad in all of this fumbling around, is that I think that I'm magnifying everything. Why is it when one thing is off balance in life, everything else seems to be on that same tilted axis?

Who knows? Maybe I just need a V-8.

Do Not Adjust Your Screen

Don't freak out, its a real post. I know, its been a while (to say the least). It seems that no matter how many times I start a journaling project, I always neglect it along the way. Hmmm, so recap?

June: School getting out and then trying to put together some sort of schedule so the kids don't forget everything they learned. Full of swim lessons being rained out, and rescheduled. (At least I THINK that was June!) One of the problems with recapping 2 months later. My computer needed to be overhauled and so all of my calendaring items were deleted. & Yes, I know that its pathetic when you can't remember what you did when its not recorded online.

July: Full of birthdays (Mine & A's - My baby is 3!!). I saw WICKED for the first time and fell in love with it. LOTS of time spent at the pool. Girl's camp & a quickie girl's weekend (pictures to follow - or not, if I'm honest with myself). Splurging on new toys (a laptop & iPod - but the iPod was free, so I don't feel so bad about that.) We also bought yet another new weed eater. I know that you are all on the edge of your seats as I talk about our boring financials...

August: Missing friends that moved away. Gearing up for B's baptism, visits from parents, B's birthday party, School starting for TWO of my kids (AHHHHHH!) and lamenting the fact that we didn't fit in a summer vacation. (All the while still worrying/wondering what the future has in store for us - Stupid Obama!)

I can't believe my little girl is starting school. Its kinda funny talking to her about it. Some days she's so excited she screams, and then others, she holds me close and tells me she's scared. My baby... And then, in October, A will begin preschool 3 days a week. M keeps hinting that there probably won't be a better opportunity to have a baby and I politely smile back, and then change the topic. :) He then approaches an equally dangerous subject of me going back to work. And at that point I distract him again using more persuasive means. And so the cycle continues... Have I mentioned, I don't like making decisions.

Well, to all my loved ones who actually read this - I do love you and think of you quite a lot. & I'm sorry that I've been silent for so long. Miss you too. -A (If you get tired of waiting, you can always check Facebook for an extremely ambiguous daily status.) :)

Choking on the Bone

Do you ever feel like you are about to be swallowed whole by your fear? Well, that's how I've been feeling for quite some time. And so I've done what I do best, ignore it. Well, at least I thought I was good at ignoring it. But blast it all, "it" wouldn't go away like I hoped it would. And now that I've admitted 'it' I guess there's really only one thing to do (apart from continuing this fruitless ignoring crap). Take a step forward and hope that when I fall (cause I will!) it won't hurt TOO badly. My one saving grace in all of this self-doubt/fear, etc: Matt. At least HE has faith in me and while I may not have it in myself, at least I'll have him to hold my hand.

Amazing Feats by My Children

I got a pretty good chuckle out of this. Hope it brightens your day.

Sheepish, Stupid, & Shallow = Irony

So I'm feeling a bit sheepish. I don't think I'm the shallow/arrogant type, but then I find myself talking about really stupidly shallow things with people over and over and I wonder if they view me that way and if that's all they think I want to talk about.

I know that I like stupid and shallow things, but I hope that people don't define me by that. I truly hope that they can see past my stupidity and get to what's really me. But then again, maybe they see that shallow/stupid layer and say, WHOA! REVERSE! all the while thinking, "Really?? Is that it?!"

So here's me, sending my stupid/shallow insecurity into the void hoping that I won't wake up feeling this way tomorrow.

Here's the ironic part: I blog about how selfish people see me. Isn't that in itself, selfish & shallow?! ...Crap.